; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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