I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
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Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize