Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
