I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
