And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
