Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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