i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
