Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
