Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
