There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
