I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
