Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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