hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
