You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
