some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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