is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
They took my balls.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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