Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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