The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
