i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
