If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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