Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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