I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize