Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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