Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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