Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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