Pants 0. Shit 1.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
