i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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