im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
