it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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