My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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