Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
