"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
