i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
