Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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