So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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