Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
