I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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