Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
