I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
