I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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