he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
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I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
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Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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