is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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