Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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