last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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