can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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