God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
