Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
