Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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