I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
