Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
