Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
