a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
