i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
