"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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