i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
