feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
